The Power of Positive Drinking

I guess things suck right now. I don’t say this lightly. I got my information directly from “the experts” at “the source”. The source isn’t the Labor Department and it’s “let’s not rush to any judgment as to whether we are in a recession” analysts. It isn’t the Congress with representatives like Barney “Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are solid six months before we have to give them billions in bailout dollars” Frank or the Senate and guys like Chris “I didn’t get any special favors other than a sweet mortgage deal” Dodd. It isn’t even the all powerful United Nations.

“The Source” is the collective rum soaked brains of the Joes the Plumbers, Jims the Mechanics and Chads the Hairdressers down at the local bar. For you see in these vinyl covered, beer stained and matchbook balanced barstools sit people who have the answers to all the world’s problems. From how Penn State could have avoided blowing their national championship hopes in Iowa to determining if John F Kennedy is still alive and living with Elvis in a northern Michigan retirement home, these guys have the answers and are not afraid to share their opinions with you. They are also the guys who get drunk enough to fix the things they have control over.

The tone at the tavern has been a bit depressing lately. After the weekly Ginger or Maryanne discussion, the talk turns to how bad the market is, should the Big 3 be left to go bankrupt and how many rounds of ammunition is appropriate for a family of five where the teenage girl can shoot two handed. There seems to be no shortage of media inspired tales of woe and impending doom, and they’ve reach the realm of Cliff and Norm.

But get this: I know when the recession is going to end and I can predict to the day when the turnaround is going to start. I am not claiming psychic power. I don’t talk to the dead and, for the record, neither does Television’s fake spiritualist John Edward. He is a sham, a crook, a fraud and should be exposed as a flim-flam artist. Nor do I channel dead little girls to win multi-million dollar lawsuits like former presidential candidate John “my hair is perfect” Edwards. What is it with the name John Edward(s)? But, surprise, I’ve digressed.



The secret to my being able to predict when the economy will begin to turn around lies in my unwavering belief in the complete and utter bias of the major media in the United States and their desire to do everything in their power to have Barack Obama’s Presidency be a success. You don’t have to be Carnac the Magnificent to answer this question. The recession is going to end on January 20th, 2009 about 5 minutes after The One is sworn in. The skies will clear, the entranced mass in attendance will cheer and the media will declare the future so bright you will have to wear rose colored shades. Until then, expect stories of failure, despair and pink eye.

This may be a gross oversimplification of major economic issues and in conflict with the opinions of other conservative columnists but I am confident in my premonition and that the change in attitude by the media will have an effect. For while the tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing and yoga going aging hippies are whacked on almost every belief they have, they seem to have hit the nail on the Habitat for Humanity’s head in espousing the “Power of Positive Thinking”. It works.

Happiness is contagious. That’s why I usually sit on the side of the bar where the jolly drunks are. So too is a positive attitude. In between political thrillers I force myself to read a business book or a biography of someone who had had success in life. The constant in nearly every one of these success stories is attitude and a belief in the ability to succeed.

How can we, as a nation, hope to turnaround the slide to depression that we find ourselves on when all we hear is how bad the economy is, how far stocks are going to fall or how bad the new James Bond movie is? Phenomenally successful gadfly Rush Limbaugh treats recessions very effectively; he refuses to participate in them.

The swing from near death to once again a superstar for Britney “thank God for synthesized voice recordings” Spears shows the power of positive press and the value of a good PR person. Our economy could use a few cheerleaders too. Do we have problems? Of course we do. The engine of this great nation may be misfiring and in need of a tune up but the rest of the car is in good shape. The media, come January, will tell us to trust in our mechanic. I suggest a second opinion but I also suggest you keep driving.

Down at the tavern there are plenty of solutions being presented for just about any problem you can imagine. Not all of them are winners but how about this for a game plan: Go to the store, buy some beer, head over to a friend’s house and share with them the drink and some good news. Even if the only good news you have to share is that you’ve brought beer, at least you’ll be striking the right tone and recessions are good for your health.

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