Now that we’ve filled out paunches to the brink with turkey the Holiday season can officially begin. That doesn’t mean as much here in Utah as in some other areas of the civilized world but we have our share of booze related news stories. Just like every other year, I hope I am not the subject of one of them.
I have a few words of advice for those of you thinking of having a bit of the social sauce this season: drink heavily. If you are just a bit tipsy when you do the stupid thing you invariably will do, you will have to own up to your actions. If you are really marinated in martini, all bets are off and the world is your olive.Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
Case in point: At last week’s University of Minnesota football game, two visitors from the corn fields of Iowa evidently consumed a bit too much of some corn malt. So much so that these two strangers, after bumping in to each other in the line to the bathroom, decided to keep bumping in to each other in a stall in the men’s room. Since the Gophers had a huge lead over the Hawkeyes and the game firmly in hand, a crowd gathered around the stall to see what the Iowans had, umm, firmly in hand. After a bit the police came and threw a bit of cold water on the rutting lushes and cited them for indecent conduct.
Fast forward to today and the sobered up Hawkette now claims there must have been something fishy going on. It couldn’t be the large amount of wine this teetotaler consumed in her all day binge. Somehow this stranger spiked her drink and new she’d be in line with him. I buy that one hook, lime and chaser.
It must be something in the water and whiskey in the north central U.S. Minnesota, Iowa and Wisconsin are three of the top four in boozing it up in the United States. So it isn't surprising that in Wisconsin a nurse recently had her license revoked for being drunk in the operating room, twice. I guess the first diagnosis required a second opinion. The details aren’t completely out but I am sure it wasn’t her fault. I guess nobody told her the alcohol in the sterilization room was meant for the equipment.
Before you write that nasty email I know you are about to type, take a deep breathalyzer, sober up and wait a minute. I know there truly is such a thing as alcoholism and that it is a serious disease. There’s also being a stupid drunk and getting caught.
These days personal responsibility has gone the way of the three martini lunch: it is still out there somewhere but we don’t talk about it much. Who is to blame for this? My guess is George Bush. He is a recovering alcoholic remember. I know because I was one of the four people who saw Oliver Stone’s movie. Well, I saw the trailer at least.
Really, the blame goes to all of us in society who don’t have the ice cubes to point out when someone is being self-destructive at the worst or just
an idiot at the least. Movie stars only have to stagger in to the nearest spa when the paparazzi point out they’ve been popping a few too many bottle caps in the paper. Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and Heather Locklear are but a few recent examples. Any of you going to an Amy Winehouse concer
t, do her a favor and take her glass away.If you are like me and most of your friends’ talent wouldn’t make for a good You Tube video, you don’t have the luxury of the rehab solution. We have to mix it up ourselves.
I will make you a deal. I will make sure you leave the lampshade firmly on the bulb if you make sure my pants are still on when I get in the cab you called.
Much of what’s happening today could drive one to drink. Just be careful of who you talk to in the restroom. Especially with the conflicting messages being sent by religious leaders. Like this, or this.
S2
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