The Power of Positive Drinking

I guess things suck right now. I don’t say this lightly. I got my information directly from “the experts” at “the source”. The source isn’t the Labor Department and it’s “let’s not rush to any judgment as to whether we are in a recession” analysts. It isn’t the Congress with representatives like Barney “Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are solid six months before we have to give them billions in bailout dollars” Frank or the Senate and guys like Chris “I didn’t get any special favors other than a sweet mortgage deal” Dodd. It isn’t even the all powerful United Nations.

“The Source” is the collective rum soaked brains of the Joes the Plumbers, Jims the Mechanics and Chads the Hairdressers down at the local bar. For you see in these vinyl covered, beer stained and matchbook balanced barstools sit people who have the answers to all the world’s problems. From how Penn State could have avoided blowing their national championship hopes in Iowa to determining if John F Kennedy is still alive and living with Elvis in a northern Michigan retirement home, these guys have the answers and are not afraid to share their opinions with you. They are also the guys who get drunk enough to fix the things they have control over.

The tone at the tavern has been a bit depressing lately. After the weekly Ginger or Maryanne discussion, the talk turns to how bad the market is, should the Big 3 be left to go bankrupt and how many rounds of ammunition is appropriate for a family of five where the teenage girl can shoot two handed. There seems to be no shortage of media inspired tales of woe and impending doom, and they’ve reach the realm of Cliff and Norm.

But get this: I know when the recession is going to end and I can predict to the day when the turnaround is going to start. I am not claiming psychic power. I don’t talk to the dead and, for the record, neither does Television’s fake spiritualist John Edward. He is a sham, a crook, a fraud and should be exposed as a flim-flam artist. Nor do I channel dead little girls to win multi-million dollar lawsuits like former presidential candidate John “my hair is perfect” Edwards. What is it with the name John Edward(s)? But, surprise, I’ve digressed.



The secret to my being able to predict when the economy will begin to turn around lies in my unwavering belief in the complete and utter bias of the major media in the United States and their desire to do everything in their power to have Barack Obama’s Presidency be a success. You don’t have to be Carnac the Magnificent to answer this question. The recession is going to end on January 20th, 2009 about 5 minutes after The One is sworn in. The skies will clear, the entranced mass in attendance will cheer and the media will declare the future so bright you will have to wear rose colored shades. Until then, expect stories of failure, despair and pink eye.

This may be a gross oversimplification of major economic issues and in conflict with the opinions of other conservative columnists but I am confident in my premonition and that the change in attitude by the media will have an effect. For while the tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing and yoga going aging hippies are whacked on almost every belief they have, they seem to have hit the nail on the Habitat for Humanity’s head in espousing the “Power of Positive Thinking”. It works.

Happiness is contagious. That’s why I usually sit on the side of the bar where the jolly drunks are. So too is a positive attitude. In between political thrillers I force myself to read a business book or a biography of someone who had had success in life. The constant in nearly every one of these success stories is attitude and a belief in the ability to succeed.

How can we, as a nation, hope to turnaround the slide to depression that we find ourselves on when all we hear is how bad the economy is, how far stocks are going to fall or how bad the new James Bond movie is? Phenomenally successful gadfly Rush Limbaugh treats recessions very effectively; he refuses to participate in them.

The swing from near death to once again a superstar for Britney “thank God for synthesized voice recordings” Spears shows the power of positive press and the value of a good PR person. Our economy could use a few cheerleaders too. Do we have problems? Of course we do. The engine of this great nation may be misfiring and in need of a tune up but the rest of the car is in good shape. The media, come January, will tell us to trust in our mechanic. I suggest a second opinion but I also suggest you keep driving.

Down at the tavern there are plenty of solutions being presented for just about any problem you can imagine. Not all of them are winners but how about this for a game plan: Go to the store, buy some beer, head over to a friend’s house and share with them the drink and some good news. Even if the only good news you have to share is that you’ve brought beer, at least you’ll be striking the right tone and recessions are good for your health.

S2

The clothes don't make the country

Look in my closet and you will quickly realize I am not a slave to fashion. It is not that I don’t care how I look but I am dead certain that skinny ties and polyester are about to make a comeback. I just know it and I’d bet my entire Bee Gees disco collection on it. Perhaps this is why my wife insists on letting me know when TLC’s “What Not to Wear” is on; and it is on frequently.

If you’ve never been forced to watch this bit of reality TV, it centers around two fashionistas, Stacy London, a “carefully coiffed but still allows a hint of grey in her hair” babe and Clinton Kelly, neat dresser whose orientation is as debatable as nature versus nurture argument that very well might determine it, who descend upon an unsuspecting victim from the fashion police’s top ten most wanted list and destroy them in a form reminiscent of the drill instructor from the movie Full Metal Jacket only to build them up fashionably, socially and even on occasion spiritually.

The selected fashion don’ts are sent to New York where their entire wardrobe is tossed aside as unceremoniously as a High School Football star is dropped by the Head Cheerleader as soon as he’s no longer the starting quarterback. Unlike the ex-starter who’s only left with memories of the bus ride to away games, the newly de-clothed is given $5000 to buy a new wardrobe. They are given some very common sense rules that are to be followed not just during this shop fest but are heeded long term: Don’t buy cheap clothes, buy outfits that are multipurpose, dress for you body type and a few others.

The makeovers on this show are often more dramatic than a sky filling sunset viewed beside a dozen aging hippies and potential future subjects for the show from Mallory Square in Key West and the immediacy of this change, it happens in less than a week, can not be overlooked. And when it comes to fashion, you better not be slow. You see the person, or dare I set the stage for the rest of this post by calling them the foundation, is basically the same. They get new hair, new makeup tips and new clothes but the individual is the same. The change in attitude, professionalism and even in their ultimate potential is stunning.

In addition to this show on changing wardrobes, TLC features shows about decorating houses too. Sometimes, these shows feature the concept of Redecorating. Just like a child moving food around his plate while avoiding eating it, the redecorator changes your room by moving things you already own around your house to make it feel different. Being the cheapskate that I am, hence my avoidance of shopping for new clothes, I initially thought this was a pretty good idea. We could enjoy the new feel of a redecorated room without taking our precious savings from the starving banks in this time of financial need.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long until I realized the sofa I was sitting on was the same old piece of crap with a spring in the cushion and wobbly back that was in the other corner of the room a week ago.

About now you are asking yourself, “What is the bald guy getting at with all this fashion and decorating talk?” Has he gone off the deep end and is about to start giving Martha Stewart like advice on ferns and fois gras? Hell, even Martha is talking with a turkey about politics on morning TV instead of about turkey.

Well the analogy should be about as obvious as the lies coming out of Barney Frank’s and Chris Dodd’s mouths to those of you paying attention. The Messiah of Change, in announcing his cabinet, is proving to be nothing more than a redecorator bringing in old furniture that was in style about eight years ago. If they weren’t in the living room of Washington already, they were in the next room and are definitely part of the same collection.

Voters may have voted against John McCain because they thought he would represent the third term of George W Bush. I don’t think they counted on getting a third term of William J Clinton. If indeed Obama does lead like the broken zippered bubba I, honestly, think we will make it through four years still in fashion. Unfortunately, and I never thought I would utter anything remotely like this; Obama is not like Bill Clinton; he's is cut from completely different cloth.

With the help of the media, dinosaur Democrats and weak kneed Republican cowards we are embarking down a road of government growth not seen since the New Deal. Hell, they aren’t even waiting for the coronation. Today’s announcement of $7.4 Trillion in government debt guarantees could be the new outfit that brings down the closet rod.

You see, the foundation of the economy of this great country of ours is sound. We have a few items that are a bit out of date. Definitely a few too many stuffed shirts with holes in their pockets that money seems to run through so fast they are constantly walking around looking for more. Let’s not try to hide our fat hips or short torso by piling on expensive thick overcoats of government regulation. Stuffing a purse with money and heading to Rodeo Drive to pile up a larger wardrobe is not the answer. We have plenty enough clothes in the form of oversight and political institutions. How about a diet instead of a larger size government and we need to clean out our closet.

Next time somebody says change has come to Washington, suggest they check their closet for that Nehru jacket and leisure suit and take them to Goodwill before they say another word.

S2