Isn't 15 year old Scotch technically too young to drink itself?

On the way to the airport today my boss asked if we could stop by a store to pick up a few things that his wife requested. Little did I know that I’d be walking in to a store totally devoted to items for children. Thankfully, none of the future humans were in the store so I only experienced a bit of itchiness from the residual aura.

It’s not that I hate children. Some of my closest friends probably were children at one time. It’s just that these unproductive life force sucking little poop machines live in a world vastly different from self absorbed hedonistic circles that I enjoy visiting daily.

As a quasi responsible person on the fringes of society I realize we need to provide a safe and nurturing environment for these people to be to gestate. But, honestly, I don’t want to live in a world where everyplace and everything is designed for, beneficial to and safe for 10 year olds. They can have the schools, video game parlors and ball fields. We will share the churches, libraries and ice cream parlors. I want the bars, restaurants and seedier sides of town. We’ll cordon off our respective areas in a jigsaw puzzle of lines forming age appropriate regions reminiscent of a Picasso painting. We’ll live happily apart for years to come.

Unfortunately, the lines of demarcation are virtually obliterated by those oblivious to the patterns of age who want to whitewash adult activities: Parents. Some parents, especially in Utah, feel their family outing is a roving bubble of age appropriateness and that every venue into which it floats should immediately be subject to the same rules of propriety as mom imagines goes on in the backyard clubhouse. It’s worse when one of these breeders is in politics.

Reading the biographies of the newest elected members of the House and Senate I noticed quite a few of these fresh faces were parents and were coming from the House’s and Senate’s of their respective states. These assured agents of change most likely honed a keen political edge in the Junior Varsity of State government and are now ready for their letterman sweater in the upper class game of the federal arena.

In these troubled times for our economy who better to bring fresh ideas and new tactics than those who have thrust their states into even worse times. If you want to feel better about the national economy and federal budget woes just look at those of the majority of states.

Utah has warming up in its political bullpen a leader with ideas sure to make people take note. Senate President Michael Waddoups has thrown a few decent pitches in his 10 years in Utah politics. He’s got a solid fastball on gun rights although the speed with which he jumps on this issue has him nearly at nut stage. He’s done a change up it seems on some social issues and thrown a few foul balls regarding smoking bans and has unfortunately lobbed a few softballs on abortion. But he’s recently come up with this odd ball scheme.

It isn’t as though Utah doesn’t have a quirky enough reputation when it comes to alcohol sales. Those who have been here know it isn’t a dry state as they’ve been subjected to regulations that make getting a drink after a day of skiing about as easy as figuring out if the third base coach is signaling for you to bunt or if he just has jock itch. Sit at a bar and order a drink. Rather than simply handing you a beer across a 30” flat surface, the bartender has to put the frothy glass on a tray, hand said tray to a waitperson (preferably a busty waitperson of the feminine persuasion, but I digress) who then has to circumnavigate the entire bar and delivery your now less frothy beverage to you.

Restaurants must currently have in place a large glass partition to separate patrons from the mixing area. I guess our benevolent legislature is afraid of an alcohol explosion at the Crème de Meth house which would leave teetotalers covered in a 50 proof rain of sin. This Zion Curtain as it is called is not enough of a barrier for Waddoups. He wants the bartenders completely removed from the innocent eyes children. "Restaurants are turning into bars," Waddoups said. "It's making it look attractive. Kids see it and wonder what they're missing. I think we need to be a little more strict."

God forbid kids witness adults drinking responsibly while having a nice meal and pleasant conversation. Let’s leave their only exposure to alcohol be the gin soaked naked hot tub parties and vomit laden boat trips on shows like MTV’s Real World and the age appropriate Rock of Love. Taking this to the logical extreme we will have to begin forcing parents to lock their Baileys and Seagram’s into the same safes as their guns.

Fortunately our state Governor has expressed a desire to normalize the liquor laws in Utah. He uncorked a firestorm and there will be a big battle brewing, or should I say fermenting, in the legislature. I hope he gets his way. I am tired of apologizing to out of state visitors after explaining to them how to order a cocktail.

My advice to Mr. Waddoups, other than to shut the hell up and leave well enough alone, is to take his kids to one of the many restaurants in town that don’t serve alcohol at all. I hear Chuck E. Cheese is a nice family atmosphere!