Gotta be the shoes

In every organization there seems to be someone in a position of above average authority who spends his/her time making up things for people to do in order to justify their existence within the company. You can probably picture this person wherever it is that you work. I just hope it isn't you!

There has to be a herd of these organizational chart bloating hippos spewing CO2 into the offices of Homeland Security and the TSA. It is no secret I possess a Big Gulp size disdain for many of the so-called security hoops we are forced to jump through like Tu Tu clad Chihuahuas on an episode of America's Stupidest Videos. Most of them make no sense. I defy anyone to tell me "you just don't understand the whole picture or understand the real security measure". To that I call bull.

Four 3 ounce bottles of a liquid in a one quart bag is equal to twelve ounces of that liquid. Let me carry a damn water bottle!

I showed my driver's license and boarding pass to the bored looking personality devoid (except in Utah, they seem to be nicer there) watchdog not more that 15 yards away from the metal detector. Why is it I have to show it to the guy on the leeward side of the detector?

I wrote a few weeks ago about losing my 1 inch pen knife but that my 4 inch scissors went through uncontested. I'll bet I could even run around with them without drawing too much attention.

Today, at the Ontario, California airport, my well honed security line procedure was rudely interrupted by the latest nonsense sent forth from the Cathedral of Knowledge in our nation's capital. After showing my license, I put it away, get to the moving baggage way through the security tunnel of love and I grab two bins. Bin one gets my laptop, because nothing else can go in with it. Bin two is occupied by my projector and belt. My shoes come off and go in the carry on sleeve recently vacated by my projector and all goes off to be violated by Xray beams in the dark little box while a TSA voyeur looks for anything that looks like it might be dangerous...or fun.

I can complete all that faster than most parents can fold up the damn stroller they think they need to carry on the plane.

Today I was informed that a NEW procedure has been in place and now shoes must go directly on the moving belt. This really is no big deal. I put my shoes on the belt and watched them move along like the Cross Trainers of some defeated exerciser standing still on his treadmill. What irks me about this is the complete and utter stupidity of this change.

I am skeptical of the security advantage of taking our shoes off in the first place but now isolating them even more is ridiculous. I take the shoes off my feet and put them beside my belt on the moving belt while the second set of shoes I brought with me remain snug in my carry on bag not more than one foot behind them. This helps how?

I comply with these procedures only because of my desire to get from one place to another but if the TSA feels this instills anyone with a sense of confidence or security, they are deluded. The exact opposite is true. Most terrorists convey an image of more bravado (really cowardice but that is a different topic) than brains but I wonder if the same is true of those trying to catch them in the hallowed halls of Homeland Security.

Until the day comes when common sense returns, I will just make sure I wear socks without holes in them.

Temporary stupidity or permanent insanity?

I've heard it said you can't fix stupid. That saying implies that stupid is a permanent state. For some it is. But, in my own defense, sometimes stupid can be just a temporary condition brought about from a lapse in judgement or simple absent mindedness.

For the past year or so, Mrs. Bald Man has been my chauffeur to the airport. Her willingness to drive me has meant we can remain a one car family (frugal and so good for the planet. Aren't you proud of us?) and my company saves parking expenses. Unfortunately, she is out of town herself this week so I had to drive myself to catch a plane for a day trip to our Nevada office. I found the airport without too many missed turns and was able to park the car and proceeded to the security line without incident.

It seemed to be my day to be singled out by the TSA. I had a batch of DVDs and CDs in my carry on so I fully expected the extra attention. What I didn't envision was the very thorough examination of my bag. It turns out I, without thinking, grabbed the Jeep key ring on which we keep a small pen knife. Of course, this weapon of mass destruction was confiscated. Stupid me for not paying attention to what I placed in my bag.

What makes this incident blog worthy is the fact that most every other week, I have a garment bag and bathroom kit. In this kit is a pair of scissors. These scissors are within the four inch blade length allowed by TSA standards.

Let's recap:
Mini, less than two inch knife: Banned
Regular four inch scissor blade: OK

Somewhere in our Nation's capitol is a person or persons sitting in a conference room making decisions that affect our safety and whether or not a Tea Party attendee is a terrorist. I don't know about you but examples like this don't fill me with much confidence.

S2

I am secure in my opinion on security

News today is that soon to be sanctified President-elect Obama is planning to restructure the war on terror that has been successfully run by George Bush since 9-11-01. I define success as the fact that it has been 7 years, 3 months and 27 days since those attacks and the cowards who prey on innocents have yet to launch another successful attack on United States soil.

In picking Leon Panetta, a policy wonk who has about as much business running the CIA as perennial wife loser Drew Peterson does dating, Obama is, as the AP states:

“…sending an unequivocal message that controversial administration policies approving harsh interrogations, waterboarding and extraordinary renditions -- the secret transfer of prisoners to other governments with a history of torture -- and warrantless wiretapping are over, said several officials.”

In addition to watering down our waterboarding tactics The ONE is planning on returning all the “freedom fighters” held in Guantanamo back to the place where they were fighting innocent civilians for their freedom to kill more innocent civilians in the name of Allah.

A driving force in this decision to change our tactics seems to be the new administration’s concern about other countries’ feelings about us. Spain, India and others didn’t approve of the way we were treating terrorists. You know, trying to kill them before they kill us and all. Their tactics seems to working a bit less well than ours.

The thought of being less than vigilant in prosecuting the war on terror leaves me terrified. Our forces have to be successful 100% of the time to prevent tragedy. The suicide bomber needs only succeed once; although repeat performances by them truly are quite rare. Perhaps Shirley McLean knows a few who’ve been successful more than once.

Without waterboarding and warrantless wiretapping of 9-11 planner Khalid Sheik Mohammed we would never have gotten the treasure trove of information this sick individual possessed. It didn’t take long for this hero of the cause to squeal like a little girl and tell us everything he knew. I just wish it could have been on pay per view. Put on right before a Girl’s Gone Wild show and we might avoid another bailout.

Many of the Bush administration’s tactics may be viewed as harsh or uncivil but war is that way. I can offer a few suggestions on changes in security while we are on the subject. First, how about we let people wear their shoes going through airport security? I’d rather take my chances on catching a would be bomber lighting up his Air Jordinians than have to wade through the haze of foot odor. I am thinking it is this cloud that is watering the eyes of the TSA watchers who miss the occasional water bottle. These bombers have a tendency to be so obvious as to even attract the attention of Rappers who, in this case, do the right thing.

And how about doing away with the 3.4 ounce bottles in the quart bag? I can’t even fathom what this accomplishes? A one quart limit is fine. Oprah should adopt that and a one dozen donut limit but I digress. How does breaking this quart total into smaller bottles accomplish anything? I can divide my aftershave Monk-like into 4 exactly equal 3 ounce containers and put them into a quart zip lock baggie. Once the government contractor has given me approval and rerun my wire laden computer bag a few more times until I draw the ire of everyone in line behind me I could easily dump the four containers into one large twelve ounce bottle. So why can’t I just take the damn twelve ounce bottle? I am thinking an investigation into possible kickbacks from ZipLock and Tiny Containers, Inc. to the TSA and Homeland Security might be in order.

I like the fact we have people whose job is to try to out think those who think up ways to do the unthinkable. But really, is the guy who came up with the zip lock baggie idea still around? God forbid he is in charge of anything. Security is not the place for inane, knee jerk or feels good solutions. Nor is it the place for political correctness. Let’s spend more time looking for terrorists and less time collecting Perrier bottles.

S2