On the way to the airport today my boss asked if we could stop by a store to pick up a few things that his wife requested. Little did I know that I’d be walking in to a store totally devoted to items for children. Thankfully, none of the future humans were in the store so I only experienced a bit of itchiness from the residual aura.
It’s not that I hate children. Some of my closest friends probably were children at one time. It’s just that these unproductive life force sucking little poop machines live in a world vastly different from self absorbed hedonistic circles that I enjoy visiting daily.
As a quasi responsible person on the fringes of society I realize we need to provide a safe and nurturing environment for these people to be to gestate. But, honestly, I don’t want to live in a world where everyplace and everything is designed for, beneficial to and safe for 10 year olds. They can have the schools, video game parlors and ball fields. We will share the churches, libraries and ice cream parlors. I want the bars, restaurants and seedier sides of town. We’ll cordon off our respective areas in a jigsaw puzzle of lines forming age appropriate regions reminiscent of a Picasso painting. We’ll live happily apart for years to come.
Unfortunately, the lines of demarcation are virtually obliterated by those oblivious to the patterns of age who want to whitewash adult activities: Parents. Some parents, especially in Utah, feel their family outing is a roving bubble of age appropriateness and that every venue into which it floats should immediately be subject to the same rules of propriety as mom imagines goes on in the backyard clubhouse. It’s worse when one of these breeders is in politics.
Reading the biographies of the newest elected members of the House and Senate I noticed quite a few of these fresh faces were parents and were coming from the House’s and Senate’s of their respective states. These assured agents of change most likely honed a keen political edge in the Junior Varsity of State government and are now ready for their letterman sweater in the upper class game of the federal arena.
In these troubled times for our economy who better to bring fresh ideas and new tactics than those who have thrust their states into even worse times. If you want to feel better about the national economy and federal budget woes just look at those of the majority of states.
Utah has warming up in its political bullpen a leader with ideas sure to make people take note.
Senate President Michael Waddoups has thrown a few decent pitches in his 10 years in Utah politics. He’s got a solid fastball on gun rights although the speed with which he jumps on this issue has him nearly at nut stage. He’s done a change up it seems on some social issues and thrown a few foul balls regarding smoking bans and has unfortunately lobbed a few softballs on abortion. But he’s recently come up with
this odd ball scheme.
It isn’t as though Utah doesn’t have a quirky enough reputation when it comes to alcohol sales. Those who have been here know it isn’t a dry state as they’ve been subjected to regulations that make getting a drink after a day of skiing about as easy as figuring out if the third base coach is signaling for you to bunt or if he just has jock itch. Sit at a bar and order a drink. Rather than simply handing you a beer across a 30” flat surface, the bartender has to put the frothy glass on a tray, hand said tray to a waitperson (preferably a busty waitperson of the feminine persuasion, but I digress) who then has to circumnavigate the entire bar and delivery your now less frothy beverage to you.
Restaurants must currently have in place a large glass partition to separate patrons from the mixing area. I guess our benevolent legislature is afraid of an alcohol explosion at the Crème de Meth house which would leave teetotalers covered in a 50 proof rain of sin. This Zion Curtain as it is called is not enough of a barrier for Waddoups. He wants the bartenders completely removed from the innocent eyes children. "Restaurants are turning into bars," Waddoups said. "It's making it look attractive. Kids see it and wonder what they're missing. I think we need to be a little more strict."
God forbid kids witness adults drinking responsibly while having a nice meal and pleasant conversation. Let’s leave their only exposure to alcohol be the gin soaked naked hot tub parties and vomit laden boat trips on shows like MTV’s Real World and the age appropriate Rock of Love. Taking this to the logical extreme we will have to begin forcing parents to lock their Baileys and Seagram’s into the same safes as their guns.
Fortunately our state Governor has expressed a desire to normalize the liquor laws in Utah. He uncorked a firestorm and there will be a big battle brewing, or should I say fermenting, in the legislature. I hope he gets his way. I am tired of apologizing to out of state visitors after explaining to them how to order a cocktail.
My advice to Mr. Waddoups, other than to shut the hell up and leave well enough alone, is to take his kids to one of the many restaurants in town that don’t serve alcohol at all. I hear
Chuck E. Cheese is a nice family atmosphere!
"What good news?", you ask. Utah has given up its ridiculous Private Club law covering what you in the rest of the modern world refer to as Bars. Barring an Oktoberfest surprise, the Governor will sign the bill in to law very soon. That's right, no longer will we citizens living behind the Zion Curtain be made to feel like scofflaws to the Volstead Act as we stagger up to our favorite speakeasy in search of some hooch by being forced to sign up for a membership in order to get a drink. The term "membership" in the Beehive State has a connotation that doesn't usually jive with alcohol consumption and tends to last more than the typical two-weeks one is granted access to a club.
The move to normalize the arcane and downright stupid liquor laws that were drafted by people who were never fortunate enough to wake up with a hangover as a reminder of the previous night's enjoyment is driven mainly by tourism. As one who has many times had to explain to a visiting skier how to get an apres-ski drink, I can't wait to just say "go over there" without any further instructions, qualifications, diagrams, gesticulations or secret decoder rings needed.
There remain a few oddities in the liquor laws. These, most likely, remain as a consideration for the roughly 30% of the state's population that throw a temperance tantrum any time a relaxation of consumption encumbrances is discussed. There is also a new requirement for gin joints to use an electronic scanner to verify the ID of anyone entering a den of iniquity who appears to be under 35 years old. No word has been given on what a youthful Benjamin Button will be required to do. I've a few concerns regarding this ID scan but officials have stated there will be no central database kept of drunks, lushes, booze hounds or the occasional martini sipper for use at the time of the Rapture to determine what bus everyone gets on.
True conservatives and the more libertine of the state have long considered the Republicans in our state government as nothing more than Democrats who have jobs and don't drink. This move, passed by a unanimous vote in the Senate, is one toward less government intrusion into the seedy places it doesn't belong at a time when our national elected officials are guzzling up every freedom they can and spending like, excuse the easy analogy, drunken sailors.
